Well my first day of graduate school starts tomorrow evening. In some ways I can't wait but in others I'm dreading it since we are suppose to get some bad weather tomorrow night as well. Ice and rain, ugh. Still it will be good to get out of the house. I'm sick of being home. My goal is this, finish up this semester, driving myself to school save for tomorrow due to the weather and a conflict of time as a result with parents but that shouldn't normally be a problem and then work on an internship. Luckly I have a few possiblities here. I've recently learned, via my moher, of several government based internships for college seniors and graduate students that offer work experience overseas. Since the number of people that have applied is extremely low my chances are pretty good I think. So far only 3 people have applied to this one internship so the deadline has been extended. I'll be mailing that application off this week. I'll also be looking for an internship while at school, something that is flexible around my classes. With luck I'll be able to get a full time position and then drop to part-time in school.

Age really isn't my problem. I'm 22 and I know and understand how hard it can be try and make it on your own. I understand that I'm lucky in being able to continue with school and not have to worry about money troubles. Yet the desire to be out of the house is strong. Especially if you are lonely in the relationship department. I have decided I won't attempt to start anything with anyone offline or online until I'm in a decent position money wise. It isn't fair to myself or the other person. A large part of why I want work has to deal with this. I'm sure a lot of people can understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone. Sure I have time, as others have said. I shouldn't be rushing things but time moves fast and has been moving faster with each passing year, so fast that it's starting to scare me a little. I've missed out on so much I think due to focusing on school or just trying to do what is expected of me (the right things)(this has really hurt my social and non-existing sex life, even some people say that's good, not so sure). Just once I'd like to say to hell with it and just do what I want to do and be selfish.

It's all about the money in the end and I hate that life is like that. That all this work and effort put forth just so I can make money to live, so I can keep living to make more money which allows me to continue living. It's a viscious cycle that I don't ever see going away unless mankind is set back thousands of years and even then the situation would just change to that setting.

Maybe some good will come from this extra time. My writing has seriously taken a back seat due to my lack of desire over the past few months. This has changed as I've read more but I have the constant fear of using someone elses idea as my own. Having to double check yourself is a pain. That still gives me some peace as that is what I love doing.

Sorry if this isn't that deep of a thought or to organized but it's been something that's been bothering for a long time now. It was hard for me to word this so I basiclly just wrote as it came to me.

Christmas. It's built up as a season of joy and togetherness. Or as the celerbration of the birth of Jesus Crist if you are religious. Other religions have other names for it. Either way for such a day or season that is suppose to promote such good why does it actually bring out the worse in people? Why does it cause people to become such hypocrites at times?

Have you been shopping during the holiday season just to see parents pushing or shoving in extreme cases to just get this one toy for their kids as to not disappoint them. Or the clear rudeness of people trying to get things. Not because they are naturally like that but simply because they think the other person would do that same thing to them first if given the chance. Or how so much is put on getting the latest item as a sign of how much that person cares for you. Yet walk out of the story carrying several bags and to walk right pass people trying to collect donations for the poor or needy.

I'm not trying to single any one person since I'm guilty of this myself at times. Somtimes when I just sit back and look at the overall picture I can't but lose faith in people as a whole. This is really a depressing train of thought so I try not to think of it to often, especially since I know it isn't really fair. It isn't as if people set out to be this way.

I guess it's easy to focus on the negative instead of the good, especially when you yourself want to do good but are constantly bombard by situation of everyday living that constantly forces you in a different direction at times. People can't live without material items, those that would like to live that way couldn't due to the way society is and has become. This isn't really a recent development, it's been this way for thousands of years.

I wish I could have done more this year but I wasn't even able to buy a single gift for anyone (out of school, trying to get into a grad school, and not working at the moment), less donate which is what I really wanted to do. Cause of this I didn't even want anything from anyone else. Didn't really desire anything to be honest to begin with and what I was given was a surprise since I thought it cost to much or that I didn't need it. Didn't want to suggest taking it back cause that would have been rude or would have hurt feelings.

This holiday has become more then it really was and I wonder why we try to hold on to old reasoning for it when mostly it's ignored and become more about the presents. Maybe I'd feel better about it if looked at the holiday for what it really is. One to give gifts to family and friends to show how much we care.

On the other hand this whole rant could pretty much be ignored and talked up to be the ramblings of a person that happened to be depressed at the time it was writen. I don't really feel this way all the time time, the times I really do is small but it's something that's always been on my mind in some form or another.